Law and Order

This past week, my mailbox has yielded not one, not two, but 6 high school graduation announcements.  I love sharing in the joy of my teenage friends and family.  They are amazing and so much more prepared to meet the world than I was at their age.  I am thoroughly impressed with the youth I associate with each day.  They seem to really know what they want in life and are headed in the right direction to get it.  Their excitement and dreams have had me reflecting on my own high school graduation.

When I left high school behind, I was ready to conquer the world...or so I thought.  I decided early on in my life that I was going to be a lawyer -- a women's rights lawyer specializing in representing abused women and children.  I wanted to be sure that law and order was carried out and enforced for those unfortunate enough to be abused or neglected.  I envisioned myself changing the world one case at a time.  Anyone who knows me well is aware of my ability to argue until I win, so this profession wasn't much of a stretch.  My father, however, had different plans for me.  From the time I was very young, I was tutored in music.  I learned to play 6 different instruments and when I graduated from high school, I was offered 3 music scholarships to 3 different universities.  

I turned them all down.

I didn't want to be a musician.  I wanted to be a lawyer.  I never even told my father about the scholarships for fear that he would force me into accepting one of them.  Had I shared the information, he may have explained to me that I could accept a music scholarship and still major in law, but that's beside the point.  It's not what I did.  I turned down the scholarships, remained at home, and began taking classes at the local community college.  My plan was to attend the college for 2 years, transfer to a university to finish my bachelor's degree and then pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer.  I hoped to be accepted to the J. Reuben Clark Law School at BYU, but I was willing to go wherever I needed to go to accomplish my goals.  I figured that around the age of 27 I'd be ready to start dating and maybe get married by the time I was 30.  I had some medical problems that were supposed to prevent me from having children so I wasn't too worried about putting off a family.  I could adopt when I was ready to become a mother.

I graduated from high school in May of 1986 and started working on my plan.  On Friday, February 13, 1987,  just 9 months after my graduation, I met Jim, my future husband.  We were married on October 9 of that same year.  

That's ok, I thought.  When it is right, it's right!  I still believed that I couldn't have children so it wasn't a problem to go ahead with my plans as a married woman.  I could still be successful, and maybe even more so, with my husband by my side!

Two weeks later, I was pregnant.

I must say that this was a bit of a surprise.  I had been told since I was 14 years old that I would probably never have children of my own.  I had come to accept that.  When Jim and I married, it was with the understanding that we would have to adopt when the time came that we wanted to start a family.  That was part of the plan.  But the plan didn't seem to be going ... as planned!  So after the initial shock of having a pregnancy test come back positive, we were thrilled!  Putting aside my plans to become a lawyer so that I could become a mother instead was not a difficult choice.  I assumed that I would go back to school once my baby started school.  Afterall, this pregnancy was a miracle and it was even less likely that I would be able to conceive again.

When my daughter was 1 year old, I found out that I was pregnant again.  It was literally a medical miracle!  Again, I was thrilled to be blessed with another child, but the plans I had so carefully laid began to unravel.   Law school with 2 children didn't seem likely for me.  I wanted to raise my daughters myself, not leave them in the care of someone else so that I could pursue a career.  But watching those dreams drift away was more difficult than I could have imagined. 

Within a few short years, babies 3, 4 and 5 joined our family.  I loved every single one of them and realized the miracle that they were, but each new addition seemed to push my own goals further out of my reach.  To compensate, I became very active in the communities we lived in: serving on PTSO boards, volunteering in classrooms, teaching music lessons, enrolling in college courses, creating my own business, teaching seminary, occasionally holding down a job outside of my home and putting in countless hours of work for my church callings.  I have been known as "The Perpetual Volunteer" and have been told repeatedly that I am the busiest stay-at-home-mom anyone has ever seen.  

And through it all, there has been a constant a desire to somehow go back to school to study for that law degree that I dreamed of so many years ago...

Every new course or calling or commitment was always the one that was going to bring about peace and happiness in my life.  It was going to be the thing that finally satisfied my sense of accomplishment.  It was going to make up for the fact that, even with all of my dreams and ambitions,  I was just a "stay-at-home-mom."  But nothing ever seemed to satisfy.

About a year ago, I decided to find a full time job.  Due to the economy, we needed the extra income and with my youngest child moving on to junior high, it seemed like the perfect time to begin a career outside my home.  A good friend hired me to work for her medical billing company in July of last year and so it began!  I was excited for another new adventure and I learned my responsibilities quickly.  I was proficient at my job.  The clients loved me and my boss was pleased, too.   I enjoyed being in the working world and getting acquainted with other women my age.  It was a new experience to talk to adults about adult concerns all day, instead of being inundated with issues involving children.  I should have loved it!  I should have finally been satisfied!  I should have been thriving!  But I wasn't.

This was not a new feeling for me.  It's actually happened a lot during this journey I'm on.  I'm a very religious person and each time I begin to feel uneasy with my life, I turn to the Lord to see what He has in mind for me.  I have done it time and again through the years, always getting the same answer: what I am doing is not the right thing for me.  Usually when I get that answer, I quit what I am doing and begin searching for something else, something that will satisfy the longing that I seem to feel.  But this time, I was fed up with it all!  I feel like I have tried everything!  Volunteering, teaching, worshiping, studying, working ... the list goes on and on!  I am sick of starting over only to discover that the new thing I am doing isn't any better than the last thing I tried.  So I didn't quit my job.  

I began searching, searching for an answer that would finally bring peace.  I asked the Lord over and over again what He wanted me to do.  I'm pretty obedient ... you tell me to do something, and as long as I know it is coming from a trustworthy source, I'll do it.  So I asked.  I waited.  I searched.  I pleaded.  I listened.  I  medicated.  I begged.  I prayed.  I pondered.  I listened some more.  And finally, I began to understand.  

I do not share this lightly and I share it as an answer only for me.  But I finally understand that my place is in my home.  As I look back at all of the places I have been, all of the things I have done and all of the people I have helped, I realize now how much I have missed.  My children are grown.  Those 2 precious daughters that initially kept me from getting that law degree are married and starting families of their own.  My sons are in high school, just a year or two from their own graduations.  And my youngest daughter is more interested in texting and make-up and boys than she is in me.  In my pursuit of happiness, I missed the greatest source of joy available to me.   All of those meetings, all of those lessons, all of those hours of study, all of the time spent with clients ... all of that was just a distraction.  

So I quit my job.  But this time, I'm not looking for other things to do.  I don't have a lot of time left with children in my home, but what time I do have is going to be spent helping them.  I wish I could go back.  I'd say no to so many of the commitments that I made.  I'd attend every concert and every swim meet in spite of my church callings.  I'd study with my children instead of trying to study on my own.  I never would have started that in-home business that took me out of my home so often.  I would have spent more time baking cookies and letting them do the decorating.  I'd have spent more time listening to the talk about friends and less time lecturing about how to be a friend.  I'd have spent more time watching Barney with my kids and less time complaining about the songs.  My kids are great!  They are talented and smart and obedient!  I couldn't have asked for a better family!  But I have to wonder how much better they would be if I had realized 20 years ago what I have just realized today.  The law and order I should have been most worried about establishing was the law and order in my own home.  The neglected children I should have been defending were the ones to whom I gave birth.  I could have been fulfilling my life's dream right here, within the walls of my own home.  

David O. McKay once said, "No other successes can compensate for failure in the home."  He was right.